YOUNG BOY FOUND TO BE McDONALD'S PLAYPLACE SLAVE: EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

Last Friday, April 7th a young boy was discovered by local law enforcement in Stillwater, Oklahoma to be a slave to the nearby McDonald's. "The boy was apparently born in the ballpit and left there by his mother," Officer Dick told us, "so the workers have been raising him for years. Except they won't let him leave the play area." The boy, who has adopted the name Ronald McDonald, had never been outside of McDonald's before Friday night.

       According to the workers, they never intended to raise the boy. "I remember when they found him back there." says one shift manager who wanted to remain anonymous. "This baby just kept crying so eventually my manager went back there to yell at some single moms. But she ended up finding this baby. We decided not to call the police right away since there was a lot of, uh, health code violations going on at that time. We figured we'd give the kid some milk and french fries and call the cops in the morning." Except they never did. 

        Over the years they began calling the child Ronny and continued to feed him whenever he was hungry. They taught him how to read the menu and how to speak English and a little Spanish. Eventually they taught him how to keep the ball pit clean. They begun to realize that they had waited too long to call the police, considering the child was now 5 years old. 

We sat down with Ronald McDonald, who is now almost 7, about his life, his future, and life within the ball pit.

FS: Hello Ronald. How're you doing today?
RM: It's a good and highly nutritious day! I got to try Wendy's earlier for the first time.
FS: Ok? Who cares? So tell us, at what point did you know you were being held captive? Did you ever think of trying to escape? 
RM: I didn't know until maybe a year ago, when I tried to go home with my friend. I'd always see him playing here but he'd always leave with his Mom after an hour. He asked me to come over and his Mom asked to speak with my parents first. So I took her to my manager David and he said that I was the child of an employee there and wasn't allowed to leave. I had never really thought about my parents or life outside of the Golden Arches before that.
FS: Damn. Sucks to suck. So what's your favorite meal here at McDonald's?
RM: Uhm, probably the apple slices with diced potatoes that the cooks would make me. I didn't get to eat very many fruits or vegetables when I was in the PlayPlace so I really enjoy them when I'm lucky enough to get the chance.
FS: Yeah I love Big Macs too. So do you ever miss the ballpit now that you're out? Do you want to go back?
RM: Well I never hated the PlayPlace too much until I realized I couldn't leave. But I had free food and ice cream, 4 different video games to play, and non-stop friends who were coming and going. I got really good at foozeball and learned how to read in there. But it had it's downsides of course. I never really had a bed or a toothbrush. I had never really bathed until the day I was rescued. They would hose me down with the equipment every few months. Plus I never really had more than a superficial connection with another human being, and never felt love.
FS: Damn I wonder if the workers had to like wipe your butt or change your poo diapers or whatever. That would suck, like damn. I'd be like "hell noooooooo." 
RM: Yeah haha. 
FS: So what's next for you? I heard you've gotten an endorsement deal? 
RM: Yeah, so McDonald's offered me an endorsement deal to be their new face. All I know is McDonald's so it makes sense. Plus it's an easy way to pay me a few million so I won't sue them for way more. I'm gonna be living in the Disney mansion, where all child stars are stored for safekeeping. The McDonald's are filing paperwork to legally adopt me.
FS: Cool man. Keep that shit tight bro. Let's get this money.